I chose black because it is the color of my soul.

Just kidding, although it's difficult to feel happy as I'm going through this process again. Last year wasn't my year. I turned in my primary in August, didn't start working on secondaries till October. Wasn't complete in secondaries till November/December.

Still, there has to be hope, right? I certainly thought that it wasn't too late. I thought that my MCAT score wasn't too bad. I threw all my eggs in a basket, lost at least $3000 and for what? Not even an interview. Doesn't help that all of my friends have gotten in. My significant other rocked their MCAT, got over 10 interviews, got into more than 5 MD schools.

And here I am. Trying desperately to hide my failure from the people around me, while at the same time trying to get it right, to change things. This time I actually studied for the MCAT, had been gettin 8-10 on Physics, 12-13 Verbal, and 11-12 Biology. Took the AAMC tests, thought I was in a good place. Took the MCAT....and....let's just say the results were not as good as the practice exam results. One point lower in Physics this year. I knew I should have voided.

I knew Physics was coming, but Verbal and Biology took me completely by surprise. No improvement whatsoever?? It made no sense. I did kind of panic after the Physics section. I guess I didn't recover.

Anyway, as it stands, most people think I'm smart. In a world where everyone compares grades and standings (that asshole pre-med world), it's been hard to hide my score. I'm a terrible liar. I just choose not to discuss it when people ask me. Why is it their business? I'd do the same thing even if I did well on the MCAT. I never shared my grades in class either, and I have a decent GPA.

But I need to unload all this, because thinking about all the times I've failed myself and my own expectations is getting me down.... and I have nobody to talk to who really understands.

So here I am again, retook the MCAT, failed. But got an early start. Turned in my primary June 3rd, and have been finishing secondaries within a week of receiving them. I feel like I'm in a good place at the moment. But that MCAT score is freaking me out. I have decent extracurriculars. I've organized a lot of large events, fundraisers, charity drives, service events...I've done a ton of research, working on a paper (but who cares about that, it probably won't pan out anyway), volunteered......I don't know. Doesn't feel like it makes up for that MCAT.

But, after unloading, I'm feeling better already.