...I feel like there are too many t's in my past-time...Pastime? Pas-ti-me...can't be right.
Anyway, I spend most of my time sitting here feeling optimistic. I'm moving out of my home soon, and living in a different city for a while. Should be a good getaway. Until then, however, I'm here watching my old anthology shows and playing minesweeper. It keeps me from thinking.
Last year, I remember being so optimistic. Turning in my applications late, thinking foolishly that I still had a chance. I remember having only 5 definite rejections and thinking to myself: well no worries, there's a bunch left to hear from! I was so proud of myself with each secondary I turned in. My parents don't know much about the process and thought that getting a secondary was a feat in itself. I didn't have the heart to tell them it meant nothing for most schools.
With every rejection letter that came I became more panicked, more disheartened. It began to dawn on me: wow, I'm really not getting in this year. I fought constantly with my significant other who had no clue how to comfort me, because they had no idea how I felt. By the spring semester I was devastated, still waiting on some schools that never deemed me worthy candidate to even send a rejection letter to. My dad was optimistic that by March I would have an interview. March came and went, and he realized where I stood. Probably one of the most depressing times of my life.
After a while, I learned helplessness, and just sat there, letting a tide of rejection roll over me. How do you tell your family members that you didn't get in? All of them had been keeping tabs of my progress, hoping to hear good news. At my graduation dinner, they had all learned not to ask. They accepted the pretty transparent lie that I had "withdrew" my application earlier on.
I live in a small town , and word gets around. Word I'm desperately trying to prevent. Believe me, schadenfreude exists.
Anyway, I'm sitting here again, feeling vaguely optimistic, even though I should know better. I sit here and think "well interview season has barely started, I still have time to get a few more." Foolish. Then I remember: this is exactly how I felt last year. I hope we don't get the same results.
Sorry for the depressing-...ness? I figure until I get an update, I made this blog to talk about my feelings. That sounds so stupid. I instantly regret typing it. Anyway, I remain hopefully optimistic regardless of my experience. The more I hear about other people in my situation the better I feel, especially when they start getting interviews! If anyone reads this, hopefully I'll see you around the med school interview circuit :-)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
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